Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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