I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
