Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
