i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
