I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
