He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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