My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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