you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
