you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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