That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
