She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
