I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
