so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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