i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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