I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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