if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
