Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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