He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
