She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
