I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
