I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize