I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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