I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
