You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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