i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
