My sheets look like a crime scene.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize