So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
