I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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