i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
