We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
