If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
