The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
