I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
