Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
