They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
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