i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
