Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
