We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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