Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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