There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize