Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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