i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
