Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just want to make out with him forever
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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