i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize