I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
