I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
