So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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