I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
