You made me cry and you don't even care
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
