a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize