I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just found puke in my bra..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
