no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
