I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
