Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
