if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
