I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
