Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
