put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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