4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize