you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
