Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
