You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
